Manchester United are broke. Knowing Eddy Woodward would never pass-up an opportunity to monetize our beloved club, here’s a banter business pitch to help raise some additional funds for transfers.
While the Glazers and Eddy will use the financial crunch of COVID as a justification for stopping their fast and free spending habits of the past, lol 🥴, it seemed like it might be good timing to pitch a money-making idea that will speak to their hearts.
Let’s be honest, Jones isn’t featuring for United anytime soon and isn’t driving much demand in the transfer market this summer. Might as well offset his generous wages by taking advantage of a truly unique asset: Phil Jones.
Phil Jones Matchday VIP Experience
Here’s the idea: the Phil Jones Matchday VIP Experience. This is the premier Matchday experience that allows guests at Old Trafford to experience the game exactly like Phil does… from the stands, but without the ~$100K a week wages.
Features of the Phil Jones Matchday VIP Experience include:
* Two seating possibilities – Just like it’s a roll of the dice whether Phil is in the squad or not, it’s 50/50 whether you get a private suite or seat in the Sir Bobby Charlton Stand. Either way, you get to watch the real footballers play just like Phil would and you don’t find out where you watch the game from until the squad is announced. Also just like Phil!
* Hospitality Bag Of Tricks – Including a Phil Jones face themed deck of cards. Of course, this deck will have a lot of jokers but the images are equally unique, captivating and defeating.
* Post-Match Photo Opportunity On Field – Each guest will have an opportunity to lay prostrate in the box while someone dribbles by to score just like Phil would while our professional photographer snaps the most unique of all Old Trafford pictures that you can share with all of your friends. “Who’s Phil Jones? We’re all Phil Jones.”
* Pre-match visit to Carrington – It’s a quick trip because you’ll only see Phil’s favorite hangout, the physio room.
This is the Phil Jones Matchday VIP Experience, crafted to be legendary in the same way Phil is. Get on the waiting list now to experience Old Trafford like ever before!
Go get us some transfers done, Eddy!
We’re all waiting.
**This post is labeled 100% pure Banter, approved by the American Red Devils